I'm working on my 5th week of working out and eating right and things are going absolutely amazingly. I found out today that I am now down 15.9 pounds-pretty damn amazing if you ask me! I am working out 5-6 days a week and nine times out of ten I want to go to the gym when it's time-no more sense of dread. Eating right is becoming second nature. I don't have any desire to eat the crappy food I used to consume daily. When I do miss something, I allow myself to have some and it usually isn't the way I remember it. The crappy stuff just doesn't taste good to me anymore, and even if it does, knowing what it will do to my body makes my desire for it wane. So much good happening for me!
But, with the good is always the occasional bad. My knee and my shoulder have really been fighting me lately. My body just isn't used to this much activity, and it is starting to revolt. I'm working with Trainer Jason to strengthen my shoulder....new exercises that I do almost every day, but my knee is another story. My knee hurting scares me a little. I know that if it hinders my workouts, I could easily end up right back where I was five weeks ago. Naturally, I want to take some impact off my knee. I'm sure you are all thinking the exact same thing as me.....swimming!
I used to be on swim team. I love the water. I know all the strokes. But something, some stupid fear holds me back. I just can't get myself to open those doors and get in the water.
It's a combination of fears really. First, I have to put on a swimming suit. I haven't worn a swimming suit in public in at least 2 years, and even then it was just in front of friends. My brain knows that no one at the gym gives two shits about how I look in my swimming suit. They are there to make themselves better, just like I am. But, I can't get that message through to the rest of me. I have a new suit that fits. I've had it for 6 months or longer. It's always in the bottom of my gym bag, tags still on, just in case one day this irrational fear decides to subside, or I finally decide to not listen to it.
Secondly, I don't know how the pool works. It always seems like all of the lanes are taken, so do I just have to hang out and wait for a lane to open? How do I call dibs on a lane while I'm waiting? How do I do this?!?! I know, I know. Just ask someone, right? Yeah. That would be rational. This fear is not rational.
Finally, what if I totally suck? I know I have years of experience swimming every single stroke, but what if I've forgotten? Is it like riding a bike? Will I be able to swim more than one or two laps?
I am really working to overcome these fears, but it's amazing how paralyzing a fear can be. I'm definitely open to any suggestions you guys might have for overcoming fears. Wish me luck!
As you may or may not know, I've made a lot of changes in my life in the last 2 years. I have really worked hard to get where I am, and that meant I finally had to make some decisions that really effected my entire life. I found a number of people who really supported me and silently cheered as I took control of the life I had previously let spin out of control for years. And, I found people who quit calling, quit texting, or I just never saw anymore.
I can't blame them. I wasn't the same carefree, easy going Keri that I had always been. I decided that I had responsibilities and those had to come before the fun. First and foremost, that meant going out all of the time was no longer an option. I reigned in the spending. I decided that having creditors call me all day on my cell phone and some even at work, just wasn't worth that extra night of fun. I made the decision that going to bed at a decent hour so I could wake up and get to work on time was the path I needed to be on. And it was not an easy path. I went from going out a few times a week to once every few weeks. My friends were never available to do anything when I could (usually early because I go to bed at 9), and they went out too late for me. Our lives were going down very different paths. I would still try on occasion to text or send a facebook message, but after awhile, it became more of a downer for me. I would see pictures on Facebook of fun nights out that I didn't even know were happening. I felt completely rejected. They weren't trying to call or text me either, so my heart said, why bother?
For a few months, I wallowed. I felt very alone and very dark. I dove into my work with wild abandon and let everything else go. I was trying to convince myself that the changes I made were better for me than the alternative. I worked late almost every night and when I wasn't there, I was curled up on my couch being forced to face my emotions head on. Even then I would send out the random, what are you up to text, just to be told everyone was always busy but we definitely needed to hang out and they'd get back to me.
A month ago, I got sick of feeling sad, resentful and lonely. I knew that was getting me absolutely nowhere and that I was the only one who could do anything about it. So I got in touch with an old friend, one that never went away, and we decided it was time to start kicking my ass. It's been one hell of a journey to get to where I am today, and I am nowhere near done. But some days, I have to remind myself that some people just don't like change, and move on with my day because I am different and I am never looking back.
So, I had my first big victory today. Well, what I consider my first big victory, Trainer Jason might say I have been victorious other times. I hit the first 10 pound mark. I have officially lost 10.8 pounds since beginning this journey. And knowing that it was lost with hard work, a lot of newly discovered will power, tons of sweat, and a couple of tears, makes it all that much better. No magic pill did this. Nobody cut into me and sucked it out. It was all me! (With some help from some seriously supportive people....thank you Jason, John, Emily, Mom, Dad, Kristen, Kathleen, Brian, Liz, and a whole slew of others! And one person who has no idea what they do for me....Sarah from PLF...I could watch that woman work out for hours...she is a huge chunk of my inspiration.) So there it is....I am 1/16th of the way there. That sounds so awesome to say.
