On the Holidays and Getting Back to Kicking Some Serious Ass

Ah, the holidays. Such a glorious time of year. I actually LOVE Christmastime. I love the warm glow from the lights on the tree. The snow that has (hopefully) fallen and made the world look pristine and beautiful. The sparkly sweaters I get to wear to gatherings at friends' houses. The wine. It's all quite romantic really. And we all know I'm a romantic, and a total sucker for this. Anything seems possible during the holidays!
This year, though....this year it meant a big hiccup in my routine. It meant missing days at the gym. It meant eating that oh so delicious cheesy popcorn, that I don't even remember anymore, but my hips do. It also meant getting a doggie. My very own buddy. She's adorable, and we were going to walk miles every day and get in lots of exercise, and then I learned something...she sucks at walking on a leash. Out went that plan. In came the guilt of leaving her in a kennel so I could go to the gym. I'm quickly getting over that guilt. I'm not much good to her if all I want to do is lay on the couch or stay in bed all day. A healthy, fit me is going to run with her, play with her, walk her daily.
So yesterday was my first day back at the gym since Christmas eve. And it was beyond awesome. Trainer Jason heard my pre-holiday request....I wanted to box. So last night, I got to put on the gloves and punch! And it was AMAZING! FANTASTIC! SO MUCH FREAKING FUN! I even got a comment from someone else about how much I was smiling during my workout. So, boys and girls. I'm back. And don't mess with me or Mama's gonna knock you out!

Thanks for the Encouragement

Well, I am officially 9 weeks in to this whole new lifestyle I'm leading, and I am making awesome progress. At my weigh in last night I was down 24 pounds and 12 inches. I was looking for it everyday and convincing myself that I could see it, even though I really couldn't...not really. I mean, my jeans got too big and certain shirts fit differently, but overall, I couldn't look in a full length mirror and see where it was gone from. Then Jason took some new pictures last night and I can really see it.
 Don't get me wrong. I am nowhere NEAR done with this whole thing. I'm not even halfway there. But it's something. And just for those of you who have been full of encouragement and support, I wanted to share some results so you know that your words are being heard. They are motivating me. They do help me to keep at it. And this is what's happened because of them! 

Little Victories

This week has been full of little victories for me. I'm finally not completely exhausted all of the time. Heck, I actually have more energy than I have in ages. I've been super productive at work. I got myself back on track with eating and have been tracking my food like a boss! I FINALLY notice some changes in my body...this is a huge one for me. Some coworkers have been telling me for weeks that they see it. Yesterday was the first time that I really could tell. And then, one of my employees stopped to tell me that she could tell. I know I looked stupid driving from our store on the Plaza all the way back out to South KC with that big cheesy grin on my face, but I don't care. Things are happening. And then there's the big one.
I conquered my fear. Thanks to Laura, I put on a bathing suit, got in the pool and swam...for 40 minutes! Hell, I even got out without caring what anyone thought about how I looked in a swimming suit. I figure in 18 months they are all going to be checking me out for other reasons, so if they want to gawk now, let them. I DON'T CARE!

Fear

I'm working on my 5th week of working out and eating right and things are going absolutely amazingly. I found out today that I am now down 15.9 pounds-pretty damn amazing if you ask me! I am working out 5-6 days a week and nine times out of ten I want to go to the gym when it's time-no more sense of dread. Eating right is becoming second nature. I don't have any desire to eat the crappy food I used to consume daily. When I do miss something, I allow myself to have some and it usually isn't the way I remember it.  The crappy stuff just doesn't taste good to me anymore, and even if it does, knowing what it will do to my body makes my desire for it wane. So much good happening for me!
But, with the good is always the occasional bad. My knee and my shoulder have really been fighting me lately. My body just isn't used to this much activity, and it is starting to revolt. I'm working with Trainer Jason to strengthen my shoulder....new exercises that I do almost every day, but my knee is another story. My knee hurting scares me a little. I know that if it hinders my workouts, I could easily end up right back where I was five weeks ago. Naturally, I want to take some impact off my knee. I'm sure you are all thinking the exact same thing as me.....swimming!
I used to be on swim team.  I love the water. I know all the strokes. But something, some stupid fear holds me back. I just can't get myself to open those doors and get in the water.
It's a combination of fears really. First, I have to put on a swimming suit. I haven't worn a swimming suit in public in at least 2 years, and even then it was just in front of friends. My brain knows that no one at the gym gives two shits about how I look in my swimming suit. They are there to make themselves better, just like I am. But, I can't get that message through to the rest of me. I have a new suit that fits. I've had it for 6 months or longer. It's always in the bottom of my gym bag, tags still on, just in case one day this irrational fear decides to subside, or I finally decide to not listen to it.
Secondly, I don't know how the pool works. It always seems like all of the lanes are taken, so do I just have to hang out and wait for a lane to open? How do I call dibs on a lane while I'm waiting?  How do I do this?!?! I know, I know. Just ask someone, right? Yeah. That would be rational. This fear is not rational.
Finally, what if I totally suck? I know I have years of experience swimming every single stroke, but what if I've forgotten? Is it like riding a bike? Will I be able to swim more than one or two laps?
I am really working to overcome these fears, but it's amazing how paralyzing a fear can be. I'm definitely open to any suggestions you guys might have for overcoming fears. Wish me luck!

Not Everybody Likes Change

As you may or may not know, I've made a lot of changes in my life in the last 2 years. I have really worked hard to get where I am, and that meant I finally had to make some decisions that really effected my entire life. I found a number of people who really supported me and silently cheered as I took control of the life I had previously let spin out of control for years. And, I found people who quit calling, quit texting, or I just never saw anymore.
I can't blame them. I wasn't the same carefree,  easy going Keri that I had always been. I decided that I had responsibilities and those had to come before the fun. First and foremost, that meant going out all of the time was no longer an option. I reigned in the spending. I decided that having creditors call me all day on my cell phone and some even at work, just wasn't worth that extra night of fun. I made the decision that going to bed at a decent hour so I could wake up and get to work on time was the path I needed to be on. And it was not an easy path. I went from going out a few times a week to once every few weeks. My friends were never available to do anything when I could (usually early because I go to bed at 9), and they went out too late for me. Our lives were going down very different paths. I would still try on occasion to text or send a facebook message, but after awhile, it became more of a downer for me. I would see pictures on Facebook of fun nights out that I didn't even know were happening. I felt completely rejected. They weren't trying to call or text me either, so my heart said, why bother?
For a few months, I wallowed. I felt very alone and very dark. I dove into my work with wild abandon and let everything else go. I was trying to convince myself that the changes I made were better for me than the alternative. I worked late almost every night and when I wasn't there, I was curled up on my couch being forced to face my emotions head on. Even then I would send out the random, what are you up to text, just to be told everyone was always busy but we definitely needed to hang out and they'd get back to me.
A month ago, I got sick of feeling sad, resentful and lonely.  I knew that was getting me absolutely nowhere and that I was the only one who could do anything about it. So I got in touch with an old friend, one that never went away, and we decided it was time to start kicking my ass. It's been one hell of a journey to get to where I am today, and I am nowhere near done. But some days,  I have to remind myself that some people just don't like change, and move on with my day because I am different and I am never looking back.

Progress

So, I had my first big victory today. Well, what I consider my first big victory, Trainer Jason might say I have been victorious other times. I hit the first 10 pound mark. I have officially lost 10.8 pounds since beginning this journey. And knowing that it was lost with hard work, a lot of newly discovered will power, tons of sweat, and a couple of tears, makes it all that much better. No magic pill did this. Nobody cut into me and sucked it out. It was all me! (With some help from some seriously supportive people....thank you Jason, John, Emily, Mom, Dad, Kristen, Kathleen, Brian, Liz, and a whole slew of others! And one person who has no idea what they do for me....Sarah from PLF...I could watch that woman work out for hours...she is a huge chunk of my inspiration.) So there it is....I am 1/16th of the way there. That sounds so awesome to say.

Happiness is: Setting goals.

I've been debating a blog post for a few weeks now, but I didn't want to put stuff out into the universe too much, lest it come back to bite me in my (slowly disappearing) ass. But it's been three weeks. I have no hesitations. The thought of quitting doesn't even occur to me, so I guess I can put this out there. I'm FINALLY working on my physical health for the year. I've got work in line. I have a little (not enough but a little) money in savings. My house isn't immaculate, but it's livable and I'm not horribly embarrassed if someone stops by. I guess that leaves me with one major goal for the year. My health.
I've started working out a couple of times this year. I've started eating rightish a couple of times this year. Nothing clicked. Nothing stuck-except the extra pounds I have to lose. I look back now and know I just wasn't ready. Wasn't committed. Wasn't prepared. Then about a month ago I realized I was really down in the dumps. Like really low. If I was at home, I was laying in bed watching anything that was on tv or sleeping. I was letting my house go. I hadn't fixed a meal in my kitchen in weeks. I just didn't like me. Nothing had really changed, I just was so miserable and unhappy. I messaged a trusty old friend, Trainer Jason, and told him I had to get back to working out. That the last time I really remembered being happy was when he and I were training together over a year ago before my back went all wonky on me. That it was time. We worked out a schedule, nothing too intense, two days a week. I thought, look at that, I just have to commit to two hours each week and my life will be all better. Man, was I wrong.
Wednesday, October 9th rolled around. I left work, got to the gym and put on my less than pretty workout gear, and headed up to the treadmill. Jason and I talked for a bit. He asked me my goals. My goals? What were my goals? Why was I doing this other than to be happy? I said I didn't really know. Then as we kept talking I realized I didn't want to get to my 35th birthday in the same shape I was in then. I had made so much progress in every other aspect of my life, why keep holding myself back in the part? Then he asked me my plan. "Well, I plan to try to come to the gym 4 days a week. Two with you and then two on my own on the treadmill." And what about nutrition? "Uh, yeah. Something at some point, but I think I better focus on this first or I'll fail and then I'll be back to where I was." I have no idea how, over the course of the next hour I committed to changing my diet and working out 6 days a week. Jason must just be that good.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. I just didn't think I was ready. I thought I needed to test the water with my toes instead of jump in, full on, balls to the wall. I was so very wrong. So we laid out small goals for the next 12 weeks, along with my big goal of 7 months (my birthday), weighed me, measured me, did a few exercises, and I went home with my head racing. WHAT HAD I JUST COMMITTED TO?!!?
I spent the next two days letting it sink in. Then on Friday, I gorged on Mexican food and margaritas (my favorite thing in the world) and went to bed early. Saturday morning, I got up, went to the grocery store and stocked my fridge. I came home and washed and cut up and portioned all of the fruits and veggies. Cooked up a bunch of chicken breasts. Portioned out hummus. Basically, I set myself up for success. It was a new thing for me. I had always anticipated failure, so I had set myself up for it.
I have a long road ahead of me, friends. I can always use support and kind words (which I already get a lot of, but I'm not too shy to ask for more!). I have set my goal, 160 pounds to lose in 18 months. (As of this post, I am down 8.3-that .3 is very important-and 4 inches). There's a lot of little goals before then. And I set myself all kinds of daily and weekly goals on top of those even. The sense of accomplishment is so important to success. And I am going to succeed.

I'm Having A Panicky Day

I'm generally pretty open about myself. I'm sure you've come to know that. One thing I don't always tell everyone is about my depression and anxiety. I'm having a day, and I am kind of hoping that writing works like my therapy for the day. So now you get to hear about it.

I'm a mostly happy person. I almost always have a smile on my face, but as high as I can get with my happy....I can sink equally as low with my not happy. When I'm mad, I'm not just a little mad, I'm COMPLETELY PISSED OFF. When I'm sad, it's not an "I'm a little melancholy today" kind of thing...it's more of  a "the whole world is closing in on me and I can't take it" kind of thing. It's all or nothing with this girl. As great as it is that I do generally feel that happy almost all of the time, it really SUCKS when I don't. I choose not to medicate myself because I didn't like the way the meds I tried, made me feel. I am also not a fan of taking pills. You can ask my mom about the first time she tried to get me to swallow a Tylenol and ended up getting so fed up with me that she threw a glass of water in my face (I'm endearing like that). Believe me, I don't see anything wrong at all with pills, in fact, I think if they work for you, that you absolutely SHOULD be on them. They just don't do it for me. It helps that these lows don't generally last long. Sometimes a day. Sometimes a few hours. I usually just wait for them to blow over. So the depression...that I can get past. The thing I can't, the thing that will almost always suck me down into a bottomless pit of despair...that's the anxiety. The anxiety can come from anything. I'm a high strung person, so it's probably not surprising I suffer from it. It comes out of nowhere and it sucks the wind right out of my sails. It usually starts with a slightly faster heartbeat. I ignore it. Next thing, I feel like I've had too much caffeine....I get a little jittery and my heart feels like it's racing a little. Oh no. Not again. Then I get a headache and it feels like I tried to swallow a golf ball and it's stuck in my throat. There isn't really anything I can do to make the feeling go away. I usually want to just crawl under the covers until all the bad stuff is gone. Maybe I'm behind on a bill and I know it and it's nagging at me. Maybe I had a dream where a serial killer was chasing me and I couldn't get away. Yes, it can come from something entirely fictitious. It's there. And it's not going away. The first time I experienced it was in college. I remember waking up and feeling like I couldn't breathe. Like an elephant was sitting on my chest and my lungs were about to collapse. That feeling spiraled into a full on panic attack. I went to the doctor back then because I was also battling a long and severe depression at that point. He gave me a magic little pill. XANAX! I could finally sleep. I didn't wake up thinking that the whole world was collapsing in on me. I finally had a way to control that panic. Then, as I always do...I quit the follow up. So now, many years later....here I sit. Heart racing. Hands jittery. Golf ball in my throat. Maybe it's time to pay the doc another visit.

Random Musings

I'm having one of those days (lifetimes) where I just feel like I need to blabber away to someone about all of the stuff going on in my life to keep my sanity. So, dear reader, that someone is you.

1.) Work on my yard has pretty much come to a complete halt. I don't dig holes or do much of anything when it's over 85 degrees out. I am not a fan of summer. Never have been, never will be. Give me 75 degrees with a nice breeze any day. Yes, I know that means I should move to a different part of the country. No, that does not mean that I ever will. Either way, staining the deck has been put on hold until it cools off a little, as well as finishing planting the bed in front of my house. This means that....

I have made quite a lot of progress though. It's starting to look like a home!

2.) I really need to spend this time conquering the crap in my house. All of my interior projects have pretty much been put on hold due to finances, but I also have a little pressure to get it done-which I will tell you about at a later date. So, when I'm not working, I will be cleaning up and out! I have a feeling that Goodwill is going to love me and the trash men are going to hate me for the next month or so. First up is getting my second bedroom cleaned out, painted and set up. I've started already, but I have motivation issues. If I can't immediately see progress, I feel defeated (explains a lot about my weight, right?) But I have no choice. I just need to plug away. If anyone is bored and wants to come watch someone clean and de-clutter, and have a cocktail, call me. I can always use the company to motivate (shame) me into being productive. 

I do enjoy help. Seriously. And this boy can seriously help. Earning money for college.

3.) Isn't it amazing how a compliment from a complete stranger can make your day? I smiled at the guy delivering beer to Quik Trip this morning and we laughed because we both tried to get out of each other's way, and both stepped the same direction. The next time he passed me he told me I needed to seriously consider modeling because I was too pretty not to. It was such a kind remark...and I accepted his compliment with a thank you and then immediately mumbled to myself that he must not have seen my butt/thighs/belly or he would never have said that. Then I immediately mumbled to myself that I shouldn't be my worst critic all of the time and that I should just enjoy that someone thought I was pretty. So that's what I've been doing ever since. I think we are all guilty of this. So stop it. If someone compliments you, assume it is true!

Humor like this is what keeps me coming back to work every day.

4.) Work is really wearing me out lately. Finding good help is HARD! I've had a couple of people leave, along with extending our store hours, so it's been a beast to find new help. I'm always looking, so if you know someone that would be good at helping customers, send them my way. I've probably got something I can hire them for. Meanwhile, I sit, completely overwhelmed (which I will admit is better than bored), often times waiting on stuff from people I work with so that I can accomplish my work. I will flat out admit that I don't play well or work well with others....if I have to wait for something from them, I wonder why they are eating when I'm still waiting. I know things will continue to be good here and continue to change every day. The new responsibilities are awesome and I wouldn't give them up for anything.

5.) So I packed a gym bag today. I'm gonna go back after quite a few months away. I'm not sure I even remember the combination to my lock for the locker. I'm not going to get too crazy or make bold statements about working out for hours on end each day. I'm going to aim for 3-4 days a week for 30 minutes on the treadmill and a couple of days work on my arms. FLABBY TEACHER ARMS BE GONE! It's probably not enough, but when I try to do more I end up quitting, so I am making my goal completely and totally attainable. I'm hoping that this gives me some more energy and keeps me from laying around the house after work every day. That is a life suck right there. 

Yeah, so I suppose that's probably about it for now. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I am quite certain I will have more soon, as I tend to be slightly neurotic and just a tad wackadoo.

The Post Entitled "Goals" or "Keri's Lack of Goals"

When I started blogging again back in January, I had all of these goals. Things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to accomplish. I had them all nicely laid out, but never did lay out plans to achieve them. Sure, I said I would work out more, give up fast food and just eat better. I'd stop spending money on frivolous things. I'd complete projects on my house. I did make a little progress. I haven't had a Diet Coke since November. I cleaned out my basement. I planted a garden. I've been paying almost all of my bills on time. But I've also had setbacks. I missed the bubbles of my morning DC, so now I drink Big Red instead. A bajillion calories, but very little caffeine and no aspartame. So I gave up one evil for a new evil. (Seriously though....a girl can only drink so much water!) You get the idea.

My favorite sharable!

So this morning I was having a talk with my sister, Kristen, about weight loss. She's doing really well on some horrible sounding diet thing she and Sean are doing. I know myself and I love eating food too much to stick to something like that!

Om nom nom.

Just talking about it made me realize something. I've been trying to accomplish the goals that I THINK I should want instead of the stuff I really want. Honestly, I don't care if I'm a size 8. Guess what, I wear a size 24 right now. Do I want to stay a 24 forever? Not really. Shopping for clothes is a pain at this size. Would I be HAPPY if I lost two sizes and had more energy? Yes. I would. Why have I made myself feel like such a failure and let everything be a setback just because I am not a size 8? I don't know. I can blame a whole lot of things, I suppose, but that doesn't do me any good. I think I'd rather focus my energies on reprogramming my head. So now for a little change in goals...I still want to start working out. I want to walk 4 or 5 days a week and do a little strength training a couple of days a week. Whatever size I get to from doing that is where I want to be. That will be my happy size. Because I don't want to give up enjoying food and drink and social time with my friends.

On Dining Out Solo

I am no chef. I try. Sometimes something turns out fantabulous. Usually I just fail. I am not a big fan of setting myself up for failure, so I tend to eat out. A lot. It's not the healthiest lifestyle for sure, but it's how I roll. I find it funny that a few years ago the thought of sitting at a table alone was horrifying to me. When I worked at Applebee's I felt bad for the people that came in and sat down with a book and ate lunch or dinner. I assumed that this meant that they had no one at home that loved them and no friends or else they wouldn't be dining out alone. It was a totally naive attitude. I definitely get that now. But I still have a hard time when I see other people out eating alone. I have this weird desire to ask them to join my table, as if they'd rather sit with strangers than sit alone and enjoy their food. And the stupid thing is I go out one to two times a week and sit alone. I still have trouble just sitting and eating...I usually play on Twitter or Facebook. I listen in on the conversations going on at the tables around me. I chat with the server. 

When I am sitting there by myself, I'm never thinking about what anyone at the tables around me is thinking about me. I don't care if they think it's "sad" that I am dining alone or if they assume I have no one that loves me or that I have no friends. I know those things aren't true, so who cares what they think. Ironically, some of the BEST "conversations" I have are when I am sitting alone commenting back and forth on Facebook with old friends or tweeting about conversations happening at the table next to me (and there have been some REAL GEMS-let me tell you!) In a world where everything is GO GO GO, it's nice to just sit and be with myself once in a while.

The Legend of Lucifer

I just realized as I was titling this post that I should have called him LucifUr and I'm mad at myself for missing out on the opportunity to use that pun. So I was told recently that I should blog. Which means I am clearly not blogging enough. I'll try to be better. I know having the internets at home would help, but I'm cheap and always broke. Not having internet is a way I cut my monthly bills. Anywho....on to the story. This is a bit of a repeat if you follow me on FB. For that I apologize.
I decided this year that I would finally put forth a little effort and work on my yard. I have been in my house since 2000 after all. It's long overdue. My yard is a mess. I have a long way to go, but I started with two pretty orange lilies and some herbs in pots. I planted my herbs and noticed every day when I came home that the dirt in the pots was displaced. I've had squirrels before-those little jerks chewed on my deck-so I thought perhaps it was them. Then I planted my lilies and before one of them could bloom, something ripped all of the buds off. Mind you, the day before I had spotted an ADORABLE little chipmunk scurrying up into a hole in a tree nearby...at the time I thought, "oh, how cute! A chipmunk!" Then I came home to my destroyed lily and I knew what had done it.

My beautiful lily. All the buds ripped off and strewn about. 

 I voraciously researched how to get rid of chipmunks (yes, my research did include asking my FB friends, but I also hit the nets pretty hard.) The most common answers I found involved pellet guns and 5 gallon buckets of water, sunflower seeds and a plank. I may not be an animal LOVER, but I couldn't do it. Besides, who would get rid of their little carcasses because it sure wouldn't be me! So I called my mom (because who else would ya call) and asked to borrow the rodent cage she had...which she reminded me she had given to me a few years ago to catch the squirrels eating my deck. So I ventured out to my garage just Wednesday evening, found the trap and set it. Anyone that knows me knows that I generally don't cook at home (I have a post brewing about dining out) so I didn't have a lot of options for bait. It was either marshmallows and flax seeds or Cinnamon Toast Crunch and pine nuts. I opted for the latter. Apparently Lucifer LOVES Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Lucifur the Destroyer.

I had it strewn all around the cage, and every last morsel was gone. I caught him in less than 24 hours. Today I brought him out to work to release him because it's far enough from home that he shouldn't be able to find his way back, and I work by the facility where a local garden company makes mulch, and I figure he should be able to find a happy new home there.
The day after his capture and release, I came home to find that Lucifer's friends had taken hunks of dirt out of my potted herbs and scattered it all over my clean deck. I had cleaned it in preparation for staining it. Fortunately it has rained a lot and more of their retaliation plot has washed away, but still! Furry little bastards. Once again, I set the trap....

And this time, I captured Major Whistlebritches Johnson. My boss named him. He is convinced that they have a communication system set up underground, much like the military...hence the name. Major Johnson has been released and I haven't noticed as much destruction this week, but I am going to continue to set the trap and use my unique bait to capture them all and reunite them.

On Being a Plus Sized Gal in a Not Plus Sized World

I'm not skinny. In fact, I'm fat. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something I'm ashamed of. It just is. Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I currently want to change it enough to give up the foods that I love and work out every day? No. I'm not there yet. I picked this year to focus on making changes in my life, and the last 5 months have been all about changes at work. I'm glad I've done that. Being happy at work has carried over into almost every aspect of my life...except my health. I'm happier at home. I'm happier because if I want to do something, I have usually have the money to do so. I'm happier because I don't have the sense of dread getting out of bed to go to a place I don't want to be. All that is well and good, but it's also time to focus on ME. But, that's a little off topic. Back to why I'm writing this: Being fat in a skinny world.

My thoughts on this began when I was looking for something cute to wear out for my birthday. I searched high and low. I knew I needed new jeans, and got excited when I got a coupon for buy one pair get the second for $25 from Torrid. I LOVE TORRID. It's a chubby girl's paradise. They have clothes that fit me, but that my grandma wouldn't wear to church. Places like that make me happy. So, I got on the phone. I called both locations in the area. Only one pair in my size and none on the website. AGH!! They were so awesome. They held the jeans for me for the two days that it took me to get up to the store at Zona Rosa. I was happy. I had my beautiful new jeans, and I got a new top. But I had to drive way out of my way to make that happen. I couldn't just run to Target and grab the first thing I saw. Bummer. Then I remembered...I couldn't go topless for my b-day. I needed something new to wear on the upper half. So I scoured the web for something that would look good on me. Something I wouldn't tug at all night because it didn't fit quite right or it was just a little too short. I finally found something I loved at SWAK Designs (if you haven't ever checked out their site and you wear plus sizes, I highly encourage it. I purchased a cami and a cardigan from there and I ADORE them. They are so soft and flattering.) I asked everyone which color to get and then I waited until payday. And of course, the color everyone said I should get was gone. So I settled. I settled for second choice. Granted, it ended up being a good choice. Apparently orange is a good color on me. But again, I couldn't just run and find something that fit me down the street. I had to order it from a website and pray that when it arrived it would fit, and it would look good.

Please ignore the extra chins and unflattering pose. A few cocktails and I pull back in my pictures...you'd think I'd know better by now.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the big stink about Abercrombie and Fitch comes out. They don't want the fat/uncool kids in their clothes. My only real problem with this is that they are saying someone overweight can't be cool. I beg to differ. My weight has NOTHING at all to do with the number or quality of my friends. In fact, I'd say that because my friends see past it to see me, that makes them better people than the "cool kids" that can apparently only hang out with other people of the same size. I for one never want to live in a world of size 4, blonde hair, blue eyed robot people. So, to Abercrombie & Fitch I say, "that's cool. I don't want to shop at your store anyway. Even if I could." 

So that's what it's like in my world. Constantly being told by the media, by stores that I don't deserve to shop there. That I'm less of a human because my butt is bigger than the average Jane. I panic at the thought of travelling by air because what if they make me buy a second seat? I have to contemplate which table to sit at because what if I don't fit comfortably in that booth? Eyeballing where the bathroom is when I walk into a place to make sure I have a path that I can fit through to get to it. It can be soul crushing at times, panic inducing at other times, but most of the time I just keep on with a big smile on my face. 

Month 2: Goals Update #2-Good Things

It's been a bit since I've checked in with you guys. I haven't had much time to sit down and write lately, but I am overdue for a check-in. I need this to keep me honest about where I'm at with my goals. Things in some areas are going swimmingly well...in other areas, I'm still a work in progress. I'll get there eventually. It just takes me time. I've found that when I try to make too many changes at one time, I end up doing good for about 2 days, then I fall flat on my face and feel like a big failure. So instead of putting all of that pressure on myself, I keep plugging away at one thing at a time, making smaller changes, ones that I can keep up with and get used to. So, now it's time for check-in number 2...without further adieu (I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!)
1.) Working out. I have my ups and downs with this one. I made it to the gym a whopping two days in a row one week. Then, my feet hurt from my crappy socks and shoes and I realized that until I got new ones, my workouts would be feeble at best. I've gotten my new kicks now and some super soft new socks-thank you Costco (Nike Shox for $49.99-unbelievable deal), so now it's time to get my booty back to the gym. A little later in the post I think you'll understand why I didn't make it last week, but my excuses this week are flimsy at best. Like I said, making small changes and getting used to them. The last month or so hasn't been about fitness, and I consider that okay. But, I am ready to get back to the gym and hit the treadmill and do some weights. And use the sauna-if there is a sauna. I'm not really 100% certain. I never go past the glass doors in the locker room where the showers and jacuzzi are. There is far too much nakedness staring at me (one of my pet peeves about locker rooms-I get it. It's a locker room, but why can't people be just a tiny bit modest? Why must they always walk around butt naked with all their bits and pieces staring at me?)
2.) Eating better. I've really been focusing on this one lately. Still haven't had any Diet Coke since November. This is my most proud accomplishment in the last year. I know that's sad, but it feels so good to kick an addiction like that. I did it. I have faith that anyone with an addiction can do it! I recently got a membership to Costco as a gift (from my momma who loves me lots). It has been awesome. Their produce is insanely good, and insanely cheap. But there is so much of it when you get home. It's never bothered me to throw away a few strawberries, but losing a whole crate of them because I was too lazy to cut them up and eat them sends me over the edge, so I eat the produce I buy from there. And I eat a lot of it. I'm three days into my week of eating a 2.5lb bag of spinach and I'm about a pound in. In three days, I've had one meal without spinach in it. It's been awesome. I also found breakfasts that I can eat on the go!! This is another HUGE VICTORY for me. I've revealed my battle with McDonald's breakfast before. Well I found some Smart Ones breakfast burritos and Special K breakfast flatbread sandwiches that I can eat and still have variety and something warm on cold days. I haven't had McDonald's for breakfast in a week and a half. Go me!! I still have a lot of work to do in the eating department, but I'm making small changes and sticking to them.
3.) Work life. YOU GUYS! I AM LOVING MY JOB AGAIN!! We had a management meeting recently and my boss asked what our 1, 3, 5, and 10 year plans were in our personal lives, for the company and for us within the company. He said that he didn't want people being unhappy at work, and the words just flew out of my mouth. I couldn't stop them. It was out of character. I told him I was bored, unchallenged, sick of being stuck at a desk, answering phones, and basically not using any of the skills that I had. Basically, I was miserable. He said, okay, what do we need to do to make you happy again. HE ACTUALLY EMAILED ME AND ASKED ME "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, KERI?" Best email I've ever gotten. Since then, we have been working on re-writing my job description. We've also redone our office completely (hence the no gym last week-I spent about 50 hours here patching, sanding, repainting, moving furniture)  and I even got a new desk! I am busy, feel valued, and am happy again.
4.) Finances. I'm getting there. Things at least get paid on time. I feel like I'll never get ahead, but I'm still making prompt payments at least. And attempting to save. It's not going great, but I'm trying.

5.) Working on my house. GOD BLESS MY NIECE. She came over one Saturday and we knocked out my basement. I'm not 100% done by any means, but I can spend time down there, even work on things like painting without having to move a million things to get to them.

This was basement in the middle of the purging process. So much stuff. NO where to put it all.

This is my basement now. Well, I've actually added another chair  now. It still just so clean and organized.

Big difference, right? I know. Now I'm slowly, but surely working on the upstairs to make it look this good. I'm going to start knocking out projects, like painting the laundry room, and finishing the basement floor, because I already have the supplies to do it.

So, as you can see, two months in, and I'd say I'm making a bit of progress. I'm pleased. I still have a long way to go, but there's a lot of year left, so I'll just keep plugging away! How are you guys all doing? Hope life is treating you well and 2013 is proving to be a great year for you, too!

tired /tī(ə)rd/

Synonyms

weary - jaded - worn-out - aweary - exhausted - fatigued

This is the best way to describe how I've been feeling lately. Even when, especially when, I workout. I barely get home and get food in my mouth before I'm half comatose, staring blankly at the t.v., awaiting a time when it is not shameful to go to bed (after 7:00pm at least). Nothing I've tried seems to help. I don't drink caffeine anymore, so no more ups and downs from that. I eat early enough that my sleep isn't disrupted by digestion. I get about 8 hours a night, but most of the time I would gladly continue to sleep for another 4 hours. I just don't know what my problem is. So, at the suggestion of a friend, I'm giving B12 a whirl. It's apparently supposed to help with this, so I guess we shall see. 

Do you ever get to tired to function? Even after a full night's sleep? Does exercise give you the instant endorphin rush (like my sister informed me she gets)? Or does it just make you more tired? 

New Year's Goals Check In #1-I'm in a Slump

I'm in a bit of a slump. It's been a little over a week since I've been to they gym. First I was letting life get in the way, and now, I'm sick and don't have the energy. I am really hoping this sinus thing is a quick healer, because I do not want to lose the progress I've already made and I am ready to make more progress. It's also causing me to be incredibly lazy about my food choices and getting things done around the house. All in all, being sick is a real motivation killer. I am hoping that I have the energy to ignore it this afternoon because I have a piece of furniture that needs spray painting and it is going to be a perfect 50 degrees outside.
Up until Sunday evening (the night said sinus devils infiltrated my head), I was actually doing pretty good about getting stuff done at home. I have been keeping my sink shiny and clean, keeping up with the dishes and even keeping my laundry done, and put away. Now, I've had a load of clean laundry in the dryer for two days, and a dishwasher full of clean dishes that need to be put away, but I just want to sleep when I'm at home. I'm giving myself a bit of a break because I do want to get over this, not get worse, or have it last forever. So tonight, I'll go home and paint that chair, and then crawl into my pj's, warm up a big bowl of chicken noodle soup (that I made last night-so I guess I did something), and sit in my big chair under a big blanky and rest.
What do you do when you're sick to feel better? Does it totally mess up your routine?

Step One: Shine the Kitchen Sink

Welcome to 2013. Last week I shared my goals for 2013 with you, so since then, I've really spent a lot of time pondering how to accomplish those goals. The one simple truth I've found that is common between all of them....you can't accomplish them if you don't get started. So, here it is, January 2nd...time for me to get started.
I'm going to share with you guys how I plan to get started on my goals, because once again...it makes me accountable. I know that those of you that read this will ask me how it's going next time I see you, just to keep me in check! And that, is one of the many things I love about you guys. So, thank you for reading! It means the world to me. Alrighty...here we go.
1.) Continuing with my get fit plan. I'm off to a bumpy start on this one. I still haven't figured out how to get my bum out of bed in the morning to make breakfast. I have everything I need for a smoothie, but I'll be honest...it's 12 degrees out...I don't want a smoothie. Today I wanted that cheesy, eggy goodness wrapped up in a tortilla. So I had it. I'm not mad at myself for it. That does me no good. I just know I can do better...disappointment...probably worse than anger. So I tanked on meal one of the day. I still have two meals to go and 363 days to improve. I'm going to go to the grocery store today after work and pick up some things that I can do a little prep work in advance and have healthy options for the rest of the week (especially good this week since I work 12 hour days on Thursday and Friday). I'm also planning to go to the gym after work. I'm not up to my 4 times a week yet, but I am going more often than I ever have. And I'm noticing it. The exercises that I do are getting easier...not easy by any means...but easier. I'm able to go a little bit faster, at a little bit more of an incline, for a little bit longer on the treadmill. I'm just going to keep focusing on these little improvements. These make the gym trips worthwhile for me...even when I don't see the scale numbers going down or notice any improvement in the way my clothes fit. That will come with time.
2.) Oops. I guess I kind of combined two with one since number two was getting better about eating. Oh well....see above for my plans!
3.) Finding a new career path. Well, I have already applied for one position that I found, and I am continuing to look on a daily basis. Unfortunately, that is all the control I can have over that. So, I am trying to have a little control about the position I am currently in. I find things to keep me busy to make the days bearable. tomorrow and Friday are going to be hard. 24 hours of work during a holiday week. I don't know if there is enough to keep me going for that long, but I'm going to try!
4.) Working on my finances. Well, I already paid my first mortgage of 2013 and added an additional $32 to the payment. Ha! Funny that that is the exact amount of the increase that will soon be coming out of each of my checks thanks to the end of the tax breaks. My plan for this is to work more with what I have. I do need some new things, like workout shoes, clothes, and a few pieces of furniture, but I am making myself save up for them. I'm not allowed to go back to the old "oh the mortgage can be a month late because I need these shoes, and what are they gonna do, take my house?" move that I used to do all of the time. Bills come first. I am also planning to cut back on my fun money. I have a bad habit of going out and dropping $30-$60 on a meal and some drinks. I can still enjoy the company of my friends...at home...with food and drink...for A LOT less money. Even though I've cut back my going out drastically, I can still do more, and I am going to.
5.) Getting more settled into my house. I've already started on this one!! I rejoined Flylady last night. If you haven't seen this, and you need help getting organized and staying that way, I highly recommend it. She is a firm believer in baby steps. Like she says, "my house didn't get messy in one day, it's not going to get clean in a day either!" So, last night I unloaded my dishwasher, reloaded it with the sink full of dishes, and then I shined my sink (that's step one-seems little, but it makes a difference). Then, since it was the task for the day, I cleaned the sliding glass doors in my dining room. 15 minutes a day....I can do that! I have also started laying out plans to finish up some of the rooms in my house that will be inexpensive to complete, like my laundry room, kitchen and guest room. I have almost all of the stuff to complete them. I just need the time and motivation!
So, I'm getting there. Don't forget to keep asking me how it's going! Hope you are all having a fantastic 2013 so far!

See Ya Next Year...ha. ha. ha. ha.

Oh my. One of my least favorite things about this time of year. People just LOVE to say, see you next year. And they all think it's funny. Even if I've heard it 13 times that day, they seem to think that they are the only person on the planet original enough to come up with it. I still laugh. It's part of my job, but man oh man. I fight the eye roll.
One of my most favorite things about this time of year is that in 4 days we all get a fresh start! It's a shiny new year! Time to grab life by the horns and do all the things that we have ever dreamed of! Granted, in about 15 days, 80% of us will have given up on one or all of our resolutions. Or maybe you're like me, and anti-resolution? Well, normally I am, but this year, rather than calling them resolutions, I'm calling them goals. Resolutions are such a flash in the pan. Goals sound much more...um...solid. So without further adieu, I share with you my GOALS FOR 2013 (Sharing them means I need you guys to check in with me from time to time to make sure that I'm achieving my goals!)

1. Continue with my getting fit plan. The last couple of weeks haven't been so great. I've not been to the gym much at all really. I am still so good at making excuses for reasons to not go. I need to stop with the excuses. My goal for 2013 is to get in a workout 4 days a week on average. Sometimes I may get on a roll and get in 5 or 6, and sometimes, I may feel like utter pooh and only get in one. But I'd like to do physical activity 208 of the 365 days of 2013.

2. Get better about my eating. I'm already doing better....most of the time...but I have a long way to go. I need to avoid the siren song of McDonald's and their damn breakfast burritos. They are just so good and so easy and so warm on the cold mornings we've been having. Yes, boys and girls, you read it here first...I am back to my burrito habit. It's the only time I eat fast food which is a VAST improvement over me from about 2 months ago, but it's not where I want to be yet. I want to not want the damn things. I want to WANT to cook...to get up 20 minutes early so I can eat a good healthy breakfast before I leave for work.

3. Speaking of work. I am ready to move on. I've been in my current position for 8 years, and I've officially hit a big brick wall. I can't learn anything else from this job, I can't move up, I can't take on new responsibilities. I can just keep coming in and doing the same dreaded work every day. I am bored to tears with my position, and I find that that is never a good thing. So, even though I've always perused job postings and even applied here and there for one that sounds interesting, in 2013 I am going to really amp up the job search. I am going to figure out what it is that I want to do...what I could feel a little passionate about...and I am going to persue it with wild abandon. And hopefully, something will come to fruition for me.

4. Continue to work on my finances. In 2012, I got everything paid current. It was the best feeling in the world. In 2013, I'm trying to pay things down. I don't have any credit cards...thank goodness...but I have my mortgage and my car payment, and I'm adding a little bit to each payment to help get them paid down a little faster. It's not a lot, but it's something. And if I just calculate it as part of my payment, I'll never miss it. I also want to build up my savings this year. I have never had an emergency fund, and that is just NOT OKAY. So I'm starting small. $50 a paycheck for now, but hoping to build to closer to $150 a check soon. I want to have something to fall back on if I ever need it. I don't want to ask my mom for help all the time.

5. Last, I am going to really get settled into my house. I have plans to finish off various rooms and I'm going to follow through with them. Some just require a little elbow grease and some paint. Some need to be completely refurnished. Either way, I'd like to get going on them and quit living in disarray!

So, what are your goals for 2013? Or are you a fan of resolutions? I hope you all have a very happy new year!!

It's Gonna Snow!!

Today is a much better day. I walked away all the frustration of yesterday on the treadmill. I really can't think of anything better than working up a good sweat to get rid of anger..except maybe wine...which I didn't even drink last night. That's just another bonus to working out. Once I finish a workout, I don't want to ruin it by drinking, and if I'm working out the next day, I don't want to feel groggy, so I don't drink then either. Needless to say, that means I drink A LOT less than I used to. Ultimately, I do suppose that is a good thing, but I do miss my wine! I did make a decision to skip the gym tonight. I'm having major issues with my feet. I think I need thicker socks because my feet slip around in  my shoes a bit and cause a little friction which is making the bottoms of my feet BURN. They still really hurt today, so I thought I'd do an evening of stretching at home...have to get the hammies loosened up a little! And then back to the gym tomorrow
I am super excited for the snow that we are supposed to get tonight. I predict that it won't end up being that bad because it never is as bad as "they" make it out to be. Fortunately for me, I guess, I drive to work WAY before everyone else is out and about and I leave before rush hour in the afternoon, so I can avoid the crazies that will be out on the road.
Hope everyone stays safe and warm tonight!!

We All Have Shitty Days

So, I'm trying to keep up with this whole blogging thing. It holds me somewhat accountable for things and a few people have even mentioned that they enjoy reading it. I don't really have a lot to say today since I'm trying to keep this blog positive, but in order to also keep it real, I figured I couldn't just write on my happy days. Today is NOT a happy day. I woke up this morning and my back is twinging a little. There is nothing that can ruin my day like my back hurting. I get almost paralyzed with fear that if I do anything, it will go out and I'll be incapacitated for a week again. For anyone that has a bad back, you know what I'm talking about. For those that don't, consider yourself lucky! I also stepped on the scale last night and low and behold, I've gained about 5 pounds. Add in a horrendous morning at work and I am just feeling less than stellar about EVERYTHING. I keep trying to remind myself that we all have days like this...the kind that make you find the negative in every little thing that happens. Alas, I can only remind myself so many times. When it's your very own shitty day, it's hard to see past it and appreciate the good. Days like this I bombard myself with all of my mom's silly cliches that annoy me so much..."it could always be worse." " Everything happens for a reason." "God won't give you more than you can handle." Well, I know it could be worse. And tell me mom, what is the reason?? I can't think of one. And lastly, God has a lot more faith in me than I have in myself because I really feel like I'm at my breaking point. (I'm sure at this point you're wishing I would just stick to the postitive posts!)

So today, today is a shitty day. I hope I wake up tomorrow to a much less shitty day. But for today, I'm putting my nose to the grindstone at the office. I've made it through other horrible days here...and I know I'll have more. Then I'm going to hit the gym and see Jason, which almost always perks me up. And then I'm going home...and I'm going to open that bottle of wine in the fridge and have a glass and toast my shitty day...and then shut the door on it and not look back.

What do you do when you have a horribly awful, no good day?