On the Holidays and Getting Back to Kicking Some Serious Ass

Ah, the holidays. Such a glorious time of year. I actually LOVE Christmastime. I love the warm glow from the lights on the tree. The snow that has (hopefully) fallen and made the world look pristine and beautiful. The sparkly sweaters I get to wear to gatherings at friends' houses. The wine. It's all quite romantic really. And we all know I'm a romantic, and a total sucker for this. Anything seems possible during the holidays!
This year, though....this year it meant a big hiccup in my routine. It meant missing days at the gym. It meant eating that oh so delicious cheesy popcorn, that I don't even remember anymore, but my hips do. It also meant getting a doggie. My very own buddy. She's adorable, and we were going to walk miles every day and get in lots of exercise, and then I learned something...she sucks at walking on a leash. Out went that plan. In came the guilt of leaving her in a kennel so I could go to the gym. I'm quickly getting over that guilt. I'm not much good to her if all I want to do is lay on the couch or stay in bed all day. A healthy, fit me is going to run with her, play with her, walk her daily.
So yesterday was my first day back at the gym since Christmas eve. And it was beyond awesome. Trainer Jason heard my pre-holiday request....I wanted to box. So last night, I got to put on the gloves and punch! And it was AMAZING! FANTASTIC! SO MUCH FREAKING FUN! I even got a comment from someone else about how much I was smiling during my workout. So, boys and girls. I'm back. And don't mess with me or Mama's gonna knock you out!

Thanks for the Encouragement

Well, I am officially 9 weeks in to this whole new lifestyle I'm leading, and I am making awesome progress. At my weigh in last night I was down 24 pounds and 12 inches. I was looking for it everyday and convincing myself that I could see it, even though I really couldn't...not really. I mean, my jeans got too big and certain shirts fit differently, but overall, I couldn't look in a full length mirror and see where it was gone from. Then Jason took some new pictures last night and I can really see it.
 Don't get me wrong. I am nowhere NEAR done with this whole thing. I'm not even halfway there. But it's something. And just for those of you who have been full of encouragement and support, I wanted to share some results so you know that your words are being heard. They are motivating me. They do help me to keep at it. And this is what's happened because of them! 

Little Victories

This week has been full of little victories for me. I'm finally not completely exhausted all of the time. Heck, I actually have more energy than I have in ages. I've been super productive at work. I got myself back on track with eating and have been tracking my food like a boss! I FINALLY notice some changes in my body...this is a huge one for me. Some coworkers have been telling me for weeks that they see it. Yesterday was the first time that I really could tell. And then, one of my employees stopped to tell me that she could tell. I know I looked stupid driving from our store on the Plaza all the way back out to South KC with that big cheesy grin on my face, but I don't care. Things are happening. And then there's the big one.
I conquered my fear. Thanks to Laura, I put on a bathing suit, got in the pool and swam...for 40 minutes! Hell, I even got out without caring what anyone thought about how I looked in a swimming suit. I figure in 18 months they are all going to be checking me out for other reasons, so if they want to gawk now, let them. I DON'T CARE!

Fear

I'm working on my 5th week of working out and eating right and things are going absolutely amazingly. I found out today that I am now down 15.9 pounds-pretty damn amazing if you ask me! I am working out 5-6 days a week and nine times out of ten I want to go to the gym when it's time-no more sense of dread. Eating right is becoming second nature. I don't have any desire to eat the crappy food I used to consume daily. When I do miss something, I allow myself to have some and it usually isn't the way I remember it.  The crappy stuff just doesn't taste good to me anymore, and even if it does, knowing what it will do to my body makes my desire for it wane. So much good happening for me!
But, with the good is always the occasional bad. My knee and my shoulder have really been fighting me lately. My body just isn't used to this much activity, and it is starting to revolt. I'm working with Trainer Jason to strengthen my shoulder....new exercises that I do almost every day, but my knee is another story. My knee hurting scares me a little. I know that if it hinders my workouts, I could easily end up right back where I was five weeks ago. Naturally, I want to take some impact off my knee. I'm sure you are all thinking the exact same thing as me.....swimming!
I used to be on swim team.  I love the water. I know all the strokes. But something, some stupid fear holds me back. I just can't get myself to open those doors and get in the water.
It's a combination of fears really. First, I have to put on a swimming suit. I haven't worn a swimming suit in public in at least 2 years, and even then it was just in front of friends. My brain knows that no one at the gym gives two shits about how I look in my swimming suit. They are there to make themselves better, just like I am. But, I can't get that message through to the rest of me. I have a new suit that fits. I've had it for 6 months or longer. It's always in the bottom of my gym bag, tags still on, just in case one day this irrational fear decides to subside, or I finally decide to not listen to it.
Secondly, I don't know how the pool works. It always seems like all of the lanes are taken, so do I just have to hang out and wait for a lane to open? How do I call dibs on a lane while I'm waiting?  How do I do this?!?! I know, I know. Just ask someone, right? Yeah. That would be rational. This fear is not rational.
Finally, what if I totally suck? I know I have years of experience swimming every single stroke, but what if I've forgotten? Is it like riding a bike? Will I be able to swim more than one or two laps?
I am really working to overcome these fears, but it's amazing how paralyzing a fear can be. I'm definitely open to any suggestions you guys might have for overcoming fears. Wish me luck!

Not Everybody Likes Change

As you may or may not know, I've made a lot of changes in my life in the last 2 years. I have really worked hard to get where I am, and that meant I finally had to make some decisions that really effected my entire life. I found a number of people who really supported me and silently cheered as I took control of the life I had previously let spin out of control for years. And, I found people who quit calling, quit texting, or I just never saw anymore.
I can't blame them. I wasn't the same carefree,  easy going Keri that I had always been. I decided that I had responsibilities and those had to come before the fun. First and foremost, that meant going out all of the time was no longer an option. I reigned in the spending. I decided that having creditors call me all day on my cell phone and some even at work, just wasn't worth that extra night of fun. I made the decision that going to bed at a decent hour so I could wake up and get to work on time was the path I needed to be on. And it was not an easy path. I went from going out a few times a week to once every few weeks. My friends were never available to do anything when I could (usually early because I go to bed at 9), and they went out too late for me. Our lives were going down very different paths. I would still try on occasion to text or send a facebook message, but after awhile, it became more of a downer for me. I would see pictures on Facebook of fun nights out that I didn't even know were happening. I felt completely rejected. They weren't trying to call or text me either, so my heart said, why bother?
For a few months, I wallowed. I felt very alone and very dark. I dove into my work with wild abandon and let everything else go. I was trying to convince myself that the changes I made were better for me than the alternative. I worked late almost every night and when I wasn't there, I was curled up on my couch being forced to face my emotions head on. Even then I would send out the random, what are you up to text, just to be told everyone was always busy but we definitely needed to hang out and they'd get back to me.
A month ago, I got sick of feeling sad, resentful and lonely.  I knew that was getting me absolutely nowhere and that I was the only one who could do anything about it. So I got in touch with an old friend, one that never went away, and we decided it was time to start kicking my ass. It's been one hell of a journey to get to where I am today, and I am nowhere near done. But some days,  I have to remind myself that some people just don't like change, and move on with my day because I am different and I am never looking back.

Progress

So, I had my first big victory today. Well, what I consider my first big victory, Trainer Jason might say I have been victorious other times. I hit the first 10 pound mark. I have officially lost 10.8 pounds since beginning this journey. And knowing that it was lost with hard work, a lot of newly discovered will power, tons of sweat, and a couple of tears, makes it all that much better. No magic pill did this. Nobody cut into me and sucked it out. It was all me! (With some help from some seriously supportive people....thank you Jason, John, Emily, Mom, Dad, Kristen, Kathleen, Brian, Liz, and a whole slew of others! And one person who has no idea what they do for me....Sarah from PLF...I could watch that woman work out for hours...she is a huge chunk of my inspiration.) So there it is....I am 1/16th of the way there. That sounds so awesome to say.

Happiness is: Setting goals.

I've been debating a blog post for a few weeks now, but I didn't want to put stuff out into the universe too much, lest it come back to bite me in my (slowly disappearing) ass. But it's been three weeks. I have no hesitations. The thought of quitting doesn't even occur to me, so I guess I can put this out there. I'm FINALLY working on my physical health for the year. I've got work in line. I have a little (not enough but a little) money in savings. My house isn't immaculate, but it's livable and I'm not horribly embarrassed if someone stops by. I guess that leaves me with one major goal for the year. My health.
I've started working out a couple of times this year. I've started eating rightish a couple of times this year. Nothing clicked. Nothing stuck-except the extra pounds I have to lose. I look back now and know I just wasn't ready. Wasn't committed. Wasn't prepared. Then about a month ago I realized I was really down in the dumps. Like really low. If I was at home, I was laying in bed watching anything that was on tv or sleeping. I was letting my house go. I hadn't fixed a meal in my kitchen in weeks. I just didn't like me. Nothing had really changed, I just was so miserable and unhappy. I messaged a trusty old friend, Trainer Jason, and told him I had to get back to working out. That the last time I really remembered being happy was when he and I were training together over a year ago before my back went all wonky on me. That it was time. We worked out a schedule, nothing too intense, two days a week. I thought, look at that, I just have to commit to two hours each week and my life will be all better. Man, was I wrong.
Wednesday, October 9th rolled around. I left work, got to the gym and put on my less than pretty workout gear, and headed up to the treadmill. Jason and I talked for a bit. He asked me my goals. My goals? What were my goals? Why was I doing this other than to be happy? I said I didn't really know. Then as we kept talking I realized I didn't want to get to my 35th birthday in the same shape I was in then. I had made so much progress in every other aspect of my life, why keep holding myself back in the part? Then he asked me my plan. "Well, I plan to try to come to the gym 4 days a week. Two with you and then two on my own on the treadmill." And what about nutrition? "Uh, yeah. Something at some point, but I think I better focus on this first or I'll fail and then I'll be back to where I was." I have no idea how, over the course of the next hour I committed to changing my diet and working out 6 days a week. Jason must just be that good.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. I just didn't think I was ready. I thought I needed to test the water with my toes instead of jump in, full on, balls to the wall. I was so very wrong. So we laid out small goals for the next 12 weeks, along with my big goal of 7 months (my birthday), weighed me, measured me, did a few exercises, and I went home with my head racing. WHAT HAD I JUST COMMITTED TO?!!?
I spent the next two days letting it sink in. Then on Friday, I gorged on Mexican food and margaritas (my favorite thing in the world) and went to bed early. Saturday morning, I got up, went to the grocery store and stocked my fridge. I came home and washed and cut up and portioned all of the fruits and veggies. Cooked up a bunch of chicken breasts. Portioned out hummus. Basically, I set myself up for success. It was a new thing for me. I had always anticipated failure, so I had set myself up for it.
I have a long road ahead of me, friends. I can always use support and kind words (which I already get a lot of, but I'm not too shy to ask for more!). I have set my goal, 160 pounds to lose in 18 months. (As of this post, I am down 8.3-that .3 is very important-and 4 inches). There's a lot of little goals before then. And I set myself all kinds of daily and weekly goals on top of those even. The sense of accomplishment is so important to success. And I am going to succeed.